When You Are Everything They Wish They Were 

Hello, Gorgeous. I come to you bearing a little bit of hard truth, tough love, reminding you: we need to stay humble.

I was looking at some old work I did, and it reminded me of my old job. At my old job, there was this gentleman who was very good-looking, very handsome, and he was very good at what he did. There is a combination of things, multiple factors, multiple moving parts of why he was so good at what he was doing and how just naturally charismatic he was.

Even though people tried to downplay who he was, the boss would talk down on him every day—not in front of his face, but would say things to me as, “He’s full of himself.” And I thought, this is abhorrent. First off, that is your employee. You should be talking them up and saying they’re great because of this, this, and this. It’s commission-based, and they do such a great job. You talk your people up. That is a good boss.

Second, the thing that bothered me the most was, I don’t care who you are—if you are the boss, the secretary, the door greeter, or you own the place. She talked him down, saying that he was full of himself. When I talked to him, he was actually very, very humble. A very good person. He was always staying elegant, looking out for others, being considerate, and being compassionate. He did not want to come off as pushy or gross and would let people naturally come to their decisions on their own. Very patient, very kind, very gentlemanly all around.

He dressed sharp, to the nines, and was always at a very high standard for himself. Nobody prompted him to. He was probably raised well. He understood the good things about life, absorbed all the positivity, and stayed positive even when things were down. Even when I was down, he would talk me up, and he always had incredible advice. When I asked him for advice, he would never give unsolicited advice—only when I asked. He would always give the best advice that I still live by today.

What I learned from this is that people will see how good-looking you are, how disciplined you are, how successful you are, how much of a fabulous person you are. They will still find a reason to talk down to you, talk down about you, talk down to you—whatever it may be. Even in their professional setting where they’re supposed to be professional, kind, humble, and compassionate—everything that he is.

Until this day, we still kind of keep in contact—not as closely because he has a girlfriend and he is a gentleman. I also do not push that boundary. I saw his girlfriend get a little intimidated by me because we worked very closely for a while. When she first met me, she almost screamed, “That’s her?!” But I tried to make her feel as invited and warm as possible and kept a distance from him in front of her, especially so that she knows that nothing is going on. Because we were professionals.

Till this day, I still repeat advice that he gives me—to myself, to my friends when they ask for it. I actually look up to him quite a bit. I have the utmost respect, even though we were not the closest. But we do have an established relationship that, when we do see each other, we are very ladylike and gentlemanly. He makes me aspire to be better, more disciplined, more confident.

People are trying to keep you ugly. People are trying to keep you down. What I noticed is, people who do not like themselves—because the boss was on this journey, trying to be a good person and struggling with herself—I could see that she was trying to lose weight. She would talk badly about him.

He and I would talk about everything. We would see eye to eye on absolutely everything. For example, if I drank too much coffee or he drank too much coffee, we would both say, “Let’s run it off at the gym. Let’s sweat it out so we can finally go to sleep—separately, at home.” But we were talking about all these separate things we naturally both did. We had a lot in common. We were very much on the same page with a lot of moral things, with a lot of health things, and mental discipline.

My boss—every time his name would come up— would say something snarky about him. I could repeat it, but I just don’t want to put that out there into the universe because it is not necessary. He is fabulous. That is all..

I noticed this about people who have really good upbringing, good parents, good self-esteem—they perpetuate that. My boyfriend is a really good example of this. My sweetheart—when we get in a fight, I will say all these mean things. I used to complain about this and that. I would not attack him directly, but would say, “This is something you do that I don’t like.” And then I would have a whole list of things. I used to do this back when we first dated.

He would respond with, “I could tell you all this list of things that you won’t like to hear, but I’m not going to do it because that’s not me. I don’t talk bad about people.” I’ve never heard him say anything bad—unless someone on the news beheaded. I have never really heard him say anything bad about anyone—not to spite them. I have heard him be angry, but he still does not talk trash, even with people he absolutely hates. He simply lets it go and moves on with his life, which is a really good way to live.

When you do want to say something horrible, my thing is—I try not to have that thing on my mind in the first place. There are hard truths that we have to see because we have to remain accountable and self aware. With my friends, I would say something that everyone is thinking, and they will laugh because everyone feels the same—but not in a bad way. In a jaunty, fun, jovial way that lightens up the mood.

When I do say something negative, it is always as a joke. Never harsh. Never serious. It is never to attack someone. I will make fun of myself and be self-deprecating sometimes. But a lot of people answer back with, “Don’t do that. That’s negative self-talk.” My friends know me, so they know that I am wholeheartedly joking.

When I hear someone who is not a friend, they are not in their circle. They know you, but they are distant, I noticed that the people who are distant, who are acquaintances or co-workers, they are not the closest people to you. They are the ones who will spread rumors. They are the ones who will talk about you—but they do not actually know you. Because you are at a distance, and they only hear snippets. Then they will collect those headlines instead of reading the full article, and regurgitate it. This is the absolute worst of the worst in my personal opinion—people who just copy and paste rather than figure out for themselves with critical, constructive thinking. Is this true? Be a good journalist. Do not just read the tertiary source—you have to find out for yourself as true as possible.

For example, if I am reading a magazine and on the page there’s something about shoes, and I say, “Oh, that’s not correct. The creative director was actually appointed this month, and it was this person.” This is wrong. The next page—”Oh, these shoes aren’t stitched that way. They’re actually stitched using this method, with this material sourced from this mill in Scotland.” That’s incorrect. But then this next page—this piece of information I don’t know anything about, so that must be correct? No.

If you don’t know it, you’re not the primary source of information. You’re not the secondary. You weren’t there to experience it with your own eyes. So, say something is happening to me, and all the people around me witness it in real time—those are the people you want to listen to. Not the people who say, “Oh, I heard this and that happened,” and it becomes a game of telephone. Those people are the ones you want to avoid.

The ones who cling on to the drama, to the gossip—oh my goodness. This happened to me in my family. My cousins thought I was going to the club. I was a teenager. I was thirteen years old or something. I told them that’s impossible, first off, because they would not let me in. I was thirteen. That’s insane.

I went to this one concert where there was a rock band performing. But I wasn’t going to a club drinking. They thought I was listening to hip-hop at a club, dancing in a short dress. I was wearing jeans and a baseball shirt at a punk rock concert for kids. And there was this rumor that spread around my family that I was going out and partying, and that was their definition of partying.

I thought that was so weird because, first off, I don’t even listen to that music. At that age, I corrected my cousins. I said, “Who did you hear this from? You know me personally. We built a MySpace page together. You know that I only listen to this music. I’ve never been to a club in my life.”

The crazy thing was, I told my cousin, and she realized—she said, “Oh yeah, you don’t even listen to that kind of music. Why are they saying that?” So she knew it was fake, but she just didn’t use her brain right away. I went to a concert that was outdoors, like a music festival for all ages. But that was just so weird because there were people there with their kids.

My time is expensive. And I noticed a lot of the people who try to talk bad about me have a lot of time—or they don’t know how to use their time to be productive, to do something like take care of themselves, get their life in order so they don’t have this issue. They’re not disciplined themselves. They waste their time on others, living rent-free in their heads.

I noticed that high-value people are busy. They’re not thinking about other people. Apple is famous for not caring what other companies do. They don’t do new things. They just work on themselves. A lot of other companies have a lot of competing products, but nobody cares about them. Because Apple is one of the most widespread companies in the world that is successful. People all over the world have it, and it started out as this little thing from California.

So, if you’re a little thing—work on yourself. Don’t worry about what Walmart is doing or what Samsung is doing with their phones. Microsoft has some of the most incredible software—but nobody cares, because nobody uses it. Sorry, some people might, but people twist their face up when they hear someone else has Microsoft.

You’re working on you. Who cares what other people think? I cannot tell you how many times in my life someone has said, “This person talked bad about you for the past two years for this and that reason.” Someone pointed them out to me, and I still had no idea who they were. I thought it was really weird.

This always happens to me. People are interjecting their own opinion onto you—they’re projecting their problems, obviously. But you have nothing to do with it. You’re just a manifestation of why they’re not seeing themselves as good enough, why they’re not feeling fulfilled. Because you’re probably doing all the things they want to do, or you’re living the life they wish they were living.

There are people out there trying to tear you down because you’re disciplined, because you look good, because they see what they want to see. They’re intimidated. They’re jealous. There were things like this really good guy that I genuinely knew—even if it was just professional. I had an incredible impression of him. We knew our boundaries. We could feel each other’s energy.

There are some things that you can’t explain, but you just look at someone and you nod. You both know you’re on the same page. You read each other. The people who don’t know how to read the room will overthink these weird scenarios they’ve created in their heads—because they’re bored with their own life, or they just don’t have their things together. They don’t know exactly why our lives are so put together, and then they’ll try to mess up your image.

In a lot of cultures, reputation is everything. In my boyfriend’s culture, your reputation—say, for example, if you’re not a man. What I meant by this is, if you say someone’s not a man or if you point out flaws in them where they’re not living up to the standards of what it means to be a good gentleman, people get really twisted about it. To the point that lives are taken and people fight physically over it. I’m not exaggerating. That’s not something to be messed with. It’s a very different culture.

In my culture—East Asian—reputation is everything. In East Asia, in a lot of the cultures, you have money, education (especially in the West), and you have looks. It’s not just, “Oh, you have one of the three.” No, you have all the things. In East Asia, you have good grades, you’re pretty, you’re successful. You also have filial piety. That’s a whole other thing—duty to your family.

Here in the West, it’s very, “Oh, I’m an individual. I’m special. I’m quirky. I’m different because this and that.” It’s like, no—you don’t even check off one box. So you’re trying to take down other people who check off a lot of the boxes.

This is poor people behavior. And I’m not saying poor, as in poor bank accounts. You can have all the money in the world and have a bad attitude. You can be the stingiest person, and nobody likes you. You have no friends—just people who want something from you.

There are so many different dynamics. People don’t see that there’s more to life than being bitter. This person was definitely the definition of bitter. Everything in her life went wrong. I’m not going to tear her down and make an endless list—especially because she’s grown, and she’s got kids.

It’s really disappointing to see. As a human, you always want to see the good in people, no matter how ugly things are. Those good things—I try to cling on to. But then I remember all the little details every day that added up to show me her bitterness. I’m very glad that I’m out of there.

Good people attract other good people. They can sense who you are—and not necessarily right away all the time, but you stick together. And you realize in the long run, “Oh, this is actually a good person.” I look back and realize we’re still talking for a reason. We’re on the same page.

Keep those people in your life. Whether it’s at a distance or close up. Sometimes you want to spend a little more time with people because you don’t want to regret anything. Personally, I would keep them closer—especially after a certain period of time. That’s what friends are.

They’re people that you have this journey with, and then you look back and realize, “Oh my gosh, it’s been ten years. It turns out we’re really good friends.” It’s worth it to make the effort to properly get to know you and show up in your life. Because all you’ve ever done is show up in mine. And we keep bumping into each other, crossing paths. It’s obviously meant to be.

So, God works in mysterious ways—or the universe, whatever you believe in. Keep being pretty. Keep being disciplined. Keep having fabulous character. Keep lifting others up. Because if you ever see interviews of George Clooney or all these huge successful people—whether you’re a movie star or a businessman—they’re always lifting up the people who are being self-deprecating.

There will be an interviewer who will say, “Oh, you look fabulous.” And then say, “Oh, I look like garbage.” He will say, “No, you look like a million bucks. What are you talking about?”

People who are truly successful, fulfilled in their lives—a lot of people say, “Are you happy?” What they mean is, “Are you fulfilled?” Does this fulfill you?

At that point, they have their life figured out. That’s the definition of put together. You have your health, relationships, people you love, a really good job. Then you can focus on all the extra skills, hobbies, things you want to master. That is a put-together person.

In general, those people are always bringing others up—even if they are up or even if they are down. Because to me, in my head, if they’re bringing others down, they are always down.

Only take criticism from those you respect. This is a sign you are doing well. Keep going.