How to be a gentleman on a date: The Modern Gentleman’s Guide to Dating Etiquette

Ladies and gentlemen, listen up. Keep your standards high. Here are things to keep in mind when you want to date for marriage. We’re going to be reacting to some TikToks. I’m not going to be too royal protocol about it. I’m going to be more etiquette about it, which means that you are flexible. Read the room and see that things are a bit more casual.

This post was sponsored by Dixon Etiquette. For more etiquette guides learn more here.

These are the things to keep an eye on. A gentleman is an entire package. It’s not, he opens the door for me. It is a collection of habitual details that create a larger picture when you step back. If you show this guide to your grandmother, to your best friend, and your father and they each approve, this person is upstanding in every single way.

When Good Intentions Go Wrong: The Pushy Date

A gentleman does not insist. As a disclaimer, I am not coming here as a pickup artist because someone mentioned that in the comments of a previous dating etiquette video I created. That hasn’t even crossed my mind. This is the proper etiquette. The etiquette is to not make people uncomfortable. First and foremost, keep this in the back of your mind.

Who is hosting is in charge.

If you are hosting, this means you are the person who chose the place. You are the person who is paying for the date. You invited them, therefore you pay. You also have to keep in mind that a good host chooses a place that is close to the guest or somewhere in the middle. It’s preferably something they appreciate, a type of food that they favour. So if they say, “I like seafood,” then find a seafood place. If you can’t afford a seafood place, find a different place. Ask them, “What else do you like?”

Raining? He should get the car himself and bring it to you. 

A gentleman will have you wait in the foyer or at the door and bring the car to you, especially when it’s bucketing down outside. Getting your hair wet after getting it done for a date is a nightmare. If he had a coat to cover over you, that’s also fine as long as he is genuine about it and it’s natural.

The problem with wannabe gentlemen versus the real thing

The problem is with men trying to be gentlemen and understanding this checklist of things that he needs to do on dates. This chap is obviously trying to lead and be a good example of what a good gentleman is on a date. However, he’s missing the point because it’s not about pushing and it sounds like he’s doing all the right things, right? He’s opening the door. He’s fighting her on the bill. He’s making sure that she is taken care of in every aspect because gentlemen are essentially the prime example of if he wanted to, he would.

Where he fumbled

He is offering to pay, but he pushes her. His language is incorrect. It wouldn’t be as harsh if he didn’t use the word embarrassment. He could have said, “Your money’s no good here,” and made it a light joke and had positive energy, good feelings, and smiling and laughing it off. Don’t worry about it. It’s on me. Make her feel comfortable and at ease. And the way to do that is by saying, “I appreciate it,” and just accepting it because she’s really pushing it. What you can say is, “I’ve got this one. Perhaps you get the next one.”

It sounds like there’s not going to be a second date because he was being too pushy. Also ordering for her instead of getting to know her, asking her first what do you like on the menu. It was cut off when she was ordering. I didn’t hear what he ordered. If you can correct me in the comments below if he said something and I misheard, this is a situation where I would immediately let him take the lead, but when you want to order for a lady, understand what she wants to order first. 

When should you order for your date?

Secondly, I would do this as time progresses, so say if you’re dating seriously, then you are a bit more motivated and more understanding. You have more data that you’ve collected over time to spoil her when it comes to ordering food.

Is it proper if the lady orders for herself? 

The etiquette is technically to let the lady order first, then you can order. What I like to do is I like to keep a menu on the side in case we find ourselves becoming hungry still and we’re chatting for quite a long time in between courses, or if I see her wanting to order more and she cannot decide, I will get the other option that she wants and have it available for her and have extra plates or have an ability to share the food a little bit more à la carte, which in my personal opinion is easier to do as opposed to ordering two meals.

What not to say when ordering food on a date

“Oh, that’s too many calories.” I feel like that was such a slight too. That was not kind to say you want to go easy on the calories or you’re worried about calories. Obviously on a date you want to spoil someone. It’s a decadent moment going out to eat. It’s a privilege to go out to dine. That’s the time that I order the butteriest thing when I’m out with my friends. We order pasta. We eat carbs. That’s a sign of love.

Let me know in the comments below what you think. There were quite a few icks with how he was cutting her off, not letting her speak, and genuinely getting to know her. The point of a date is to get to know someone and don’t scare them away with all these overwhelming tactics that alpha males tell you. 

How to practise being a gentleman without being cringey

It starts at home first. Everything becomes natural when you already do these things. And it sounds like he’s not in practice of these things. Potentially, he does this already and is pushy on every date. This is how he is.

The way to present good manners is by practising when you are alone. It’s what you do behind the confines of your home: eating with your utensils close to the plate properly whilst not taking too much space when you’re seated at a table because everyone has an equal amount of space. 

You want to speak as graciously as possible to everyone around you and include everyone. That’s the whole point of etiquette and being hygienic when you’re passing certain plates or sharing bottles of sparkling water. At first, it’s good to ease into getting to know the person, reading the room, and then applying what you know.

The problem with phones on the table

I don’t know if this was staged, but a woman in the video had her phone on the table, which I also think is rude because when you have your phone on the table, even if it’s off, just have it in your bag or have it in your pocket, wherever is comfortable whilst sitting. That doesn’t ruin the lines of your suit or your dress. It creates distance when it is on the table.

The Perfect Gentleman: Leading by Example

I teach predominantly British etiquette, the most formal. I know that’s contentious to say these days, but also I live in America and I’ve lived on four continents, so I know what it’s like to experience varying cultures and traditions. Everywhere you go is a little bit different. I am specifically speaking on Western etiquette and the most formal. Those are the tiers that I am going by. 

The tiers of etiquette

American is going to be the most casual. It’s going to be the most open-hearted. British is going to be the most formal. What might seem cold is really just reading the room and getting to know you naturally instead of pushing things. The next would be continental which is European continental. This is the one that a lot of people gravitate towards which is perfectly admissible in court. All of the above are fabulous.

Opening the door for a lady – when to deploy this measure 

What I like to do with the car rule is if it’s meeting for the very first time, it’s a different story. People might go against me when I say this. This is just for the sake of the example: if you have a valet, the valet will open the door for you. It’s acceptable for the man to get into the car this way. This is just my opinion. This is beside my etiquette knowledge. This is what works for me. For other people, it might not work. If it works for him to open your car door, that makes sense.

Coming back to the car after the date is the perfect time. 

For instance, you’re going back to your car after the date, after the restaurant, then he opens the door if there was no valet situation and you simply parked in a parking bay. However, if it’s the end of the night and he’s dropping you off home.

Dropping her off the right way

When he’s dropping you off, I think it’s acceptable if a man doesn’t get out of the car because there’s a load of traffic and you can’t really park. It’s the middle of the street because you live in the city. I think it’s acceptable as long as he stays and watches you walk into your home.

Those are my rules, but you might prefer someone who walks you straight to your door. I have friends who hate when people pick them up from their house and know where they live or drop them off home. They prefer to be walked to their Uber or to their car by the gentleman and make sure that you get home safely. 

Safety first 

It’s different for everyone, which is why when I say one hard rule, I can overlook it sometimes because I realise it’s a matter of security and safety. That’s a huge deal for us ladies, especially in the city. It also varies on the man and she can communicate that within the date.

Le Baisemain

The second point here, aside from the door, is le baisemain. The rule is you can kiss any lady’s hand who looks of age that is not yet married. And you can tell who’s not yet married, especially after 6 PM if she’s wearing her tiara. Tiaras are a sign of status and social standing. They will tell you if a lady’s a duchess, if she’s a marquise, if she’s a baroness, if she’s higher or whatever title she has, but it also indicates she’s a married woman, especially if it’s black or white tie. 

French Royal Court Origins

This is how to tell if a woman is married and how to tell also if a woman is single. Another sign would be her ring finger. Kissing a lady’s hand is something you actually do when you first meet and introduce yourself. And when you introduce yourself, especially to a lady if she’s with someone else, it depends where you are from. But this is originally a French Royal Court protocol. 

My experience with le baisemain

I’ve actually experienced this from contemporary French men who are my age. All the ladies love him. He’s handsome, smart, fabulous. He also does le baisemain. It’s funny because a lot of French men I know who were raised properly, they will have the wildest lives and be bad boys and be mad, but their manners never go away. That is something that I have learnt in my personal experience.

What makes the American South stand out

The reason why I ask if he is from the South originally is because in the South they actually carry a lot of older European traditions still to this day. Unknowingly or consciously it’s carried within their traditions or they have been exposed to certain types of schools like finishing schools such as mine, dixoneetiquette.com, that teach gentlemen how to act properly.

What it means to be polished

Finishing schools are meant to finish your education, meaning you are well-rounded in every subject: speaking with people, your posture (which is social graces), comportment, and elocutions—how you articulate yourself for people to understand you very well, simply, clearly. It’s not about looking smart or looking superior. It’s simply socialising well enough that people can see who you are faster and in a more polite, gentle manner as opposed to being obnoxious. But there are so many ways to do this without losing your personality. So don’t be discouraged.

Preening and Psychology 101

The thing about him fixing her necklace that’s so exciting—this is actually known in evolutionary psychology, it’s called preening. If you ever see chimpanzees nitpicking, the female picks nits literally out of the male’s hair, out of his fur. I don’t know if chimpanzees technically have hair or fur. 

This is a sign that you care for someone. You’ll fix their hair. You’ll make sure there’s no dust on their clothes. You’ll fix their necklace, make sure they look like a million pounds because they represent you and you want them to look good and you also love them. 

Teaching the Next Generation

It says, “My dad never took my mum out on dates. So now I teach my sons not only the importance of taking a girl out, but to dress up for them, too.”

The best example for fabulous dates: Daddy 

Brilliant. Brilliant. My father was someone who took my stepmother out on not just dates, but grand gestures. When I look back, I realise that is the ideal date, the first impression I would want from a gentleman. He would make her dress up. He had an amazing collection of suits to match. The way he treated her was above and beyond. It’s the subject of dreams.

Anglicisms versus Americanisms: Attire

When I say shirt, I do not mean t-shirt. I mean shirt. A dress shirt, which is the only shirt that I mean when I say shirt. “Dress shirt.” That’s an Americanism. This is how you’re properly supposed to be dressed. Long sleeves. Make sure that it’s a breathable material and you’re good to go. Always wear underwear on the inside. T-shirts are underwear and I’ve known this especially because my father wore t-shirts as underwear underneath his beautiful shirt.

It doesn’t have to be a $9,000 bespoke collection of shirts. You can get a shirt from H&M for $10 and it’s a good start. You can do a lot with that shirt. You will move up in the ranks very far. Teaching your sons how to dress up properly, especially for a date, is a huge sign of self-respect because they’re starting at such a young age that this is instilled in them.

Why it’s important to dress up

I love the fact that they match, too. That’s an extra step beyond self-respect. How you dress in your everyday is how you treat yourself. How you see yourself that day is how you’re going to feel for the rest of the day. 

Sunday’s Best everyday

That’s why they say when you go to church, if you are religious or grew up going to church growing up, they would say wear your Sunday best all day long because you act a different way and you carry yourself with a polished aura. You care more.

Get comfortable with dressing well all the time.

We should be comfortable and more familiar with the idea of caring more. Making sure everything that we touch is beautiful around us. It’s not high maintenance for us because it’s the standard. It’s the bar. It’s just the entry, the bare minimum. A lot of times the baseline can be in hell. I will be the first to say that I’m quite disappointed when people don’t dress up for a date. It shows lack of effort.

Abysmal effort in your outfit = disrespect

He’s in a t-shirt and flip-flops and jeans, whatever. Shoes and not even cleaned. It doesn’t matter if they’re cheap, but make sure that you’re put together. What matters is that your clothes are pressed, that there are no creases, that they do not smell. They are in good condition. 

Essentially, they don’t have cat hair all over them, which is also why I avoided wearing black for a very long time. It’s good to have a Kent brush depending on what material. Cashmere, wool, cotton, linens, depends. It makes a huge difference.

The Art of Anticipation

It’s a really good point the gentleman in my video made about how anticipation is the ultimate service. Let me walk you through this. When you experience a five-star hotel, the whole point of the luxury of a five-star hotel is the fact that they’re anticipating to accommodate you. There is a long checklist that they have to meet of requirements before presenting themselves as a five-star hotel because they can get the fifth star taken off because they’re lacking in one of these services. Usually there are items such as fresh flowers every single day or different times of day in every room.

You opened the door. So what.

Opening the door is terribly basic and something that I would do for absolutely anyone, not just a date. If I am walking and there happens to be a person that is in close distance, I’m most likely going to open the door for them hoping they didn’t spit at me, do something violent, or say something horrible. 

I’ve seen people with a full family open the door for me, but then a bloke walked in front of me and it was my date. He didn’t even open the door. He just let it shut behind him. This needs to be said, apparently. Thank goodness it was years ago.

What not to do when dropping a lady off home 

I’ve experienced men just driving away right after they drop you off. It’s essentially the same feeling of being pushed out of the car and then a guy speeding off. It was that exact same feeling and I felt rather abrupt.

Anticipation is elegant. 

Anticipation is essentially expecting that someone’s going to ask. It’s the mindset of I’ve been wanting you to ask me. I cannot wait for you to ask me. I would be insulted if you didn’t ask me. I have friends like this where I was asking them for some property advice and they said I have been dying to help and I would be insulted to not help you. They would help me with a load of questions that I had. It made me feel good that they were expecting this and they were welcoming it. 

That’s the ease and comfort that they were offering to make me feel at home and say, “This is a totally normal question. You might feel a little stupid, but the fact that you communicated it with me, I want to confirm that you’re not because this is a very normal thing that a lot of people wonder about and you’re not mad.”

When you anticipate, you’re already prepared for the good things that are about to happen and the good outcome that’s going to happen. Hopefully, depending on how you deliver, it sounds like he’s very aware that opening the door is so basic. You’d absolutely do that for anyone, for a pregnant woman, for a person with a lot of parcels. 

I’ve seen people with parcels piled up in front of their face trying to open the door and people will open the door right in front of them and let it close behind them because of feminism, specifically contemporary feminism, which is a whole other argument. I’m not going to get into that, but I don’t think that you have to be a certain gender to open the door for someone—that’s good manners that everyone has.

If you are not an expert cook, learn to cook for yourself. You can share that joy. When you do find something that you absolutely love to make, you can share that with someone else. That’s also a sign of love. When you can share the things you absolutely adore with people that you care about, and you put effort into that, they appreciate it. Especially when it’s something you know that they might like or they can see that you love, then that’s an extra layer of special.

The Flower Dilemma 

I absolutely love the idea of bringing flowers on a first date. Just make sure they’re not allergic. I have friends who are allergic to nuts where if I ate peanut butter before I see them and I breathe, they will go into shock. Their eyes will swell up and it’s a nightmare.

As a heads up, secondly, choosing the flower is very important. She might tell you what kind of flower she likes. She wears a lot of a certain colour. When it comes to flowers, it can be interesting on a first date. I think it’s a good idea. However, every single time—this is just my personal experience—every time I have dated someone who’s brought flowers on a first date, they have been a psychopath. They would stalk me, do all of these weird things, especially when they buy cheap flowers. And I’m talking the ones that look like they’re about to spoil in a few hours.

When it comes to flowers, I am very particular. And a lot of girls who have their own places, who are grown, a lot of grown women—let me be 100% authentic. I’m so afraid to ruffle feathers on here sometimes because I get so many weird comments. A lot of women who curated their own tastes have specific reasons for why they like certain flowers. Not everybody does. The younger I was, the more receptive I was to certain flowers. It means that they thought about it. It was a nice gesture to get £12 flowers from the supermarket. Now, it depends what type of supermarket because that says a lot of thought. You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

However, I believe that flowers are better the more time you know the person and obviously the bouquet will be more grand. My girlfriend who’s a very normal person, she is not looking for someone who has 10 yachts. She is just looking for a good man with a steady job. She’s engaged. She was looking out for me at one point where she saw the flowers a bloke gave me on a first date and she threw them on the floor. He left the sticker that said £12 on it. And she said, “Jay, I sneezed £12.” And she threw them on the floor. And I was laughing so hard because one, I knew that guy was really creepy. Two, I knew the flowers were just a way to buy me and believe anything he said because he was mad. Diagnosed with all these things. I’m not kidding. I do not use this lightly.

Anyway, this is just a personal anecdote. You can fast forward if you want. Depending on the type of flowers, say for example, Sex and the City has brainwashed us with saying carnations are filler flowers. I think carnations are brilliant because they last forever, which is probably why people think they’re filler flowers—that it can be that or the way they look. I like them because certain breeds stay longer. I love permaculture. I love botanical planting and farming. Why I became a farmer.

My girlfriend pointed out to me, “When a guy buys you flowers, it is a very thoughtful bouquet. And it’s not cheap. Flowers are very expensive, especially for a regular bunch of really well-picked, beautiful, just bloomed roses. Those are really a lot of painstaking work and time. I know I would trim roses all the time. I would open the roses myself.” And that also made me see the quality of a bouquet really tells you a lot about the gentleman.

There are lots of people I know who get an $8 bouquet of different flowers from the supermarket, but they’re already losing their life and wilting. That’s why they’re so cheap and they’re gone within a day and mouldy in a vase within a day. Also, when you bring flowers as proper etiquette, when you are coming to someone’s home, giving it as a gift, bring a vase. Usually, when someone is bringing it to a party, you want to bring it in a vase, especially because the host might be busy with a thousand things. They’re cooking, watching the people, making sure everything is set up properly. You do not want to give them another task to do. It’s a very careful, particular gift.

Also the flower’s meaning. In other countries, a chrysanthemum might be death and it’s a funeral flower. A white flower might be death. In other countries, red rose might mean something else and it’s not appropriate to give or pink or yellow depending on the type of colour. Yellow are breakup flowers, what they say. It depends on your culture what you think. So you need to ask the person first about the type of flowers, meanings of the flowers that they love and flowers that they absolutely hate, if they have any. That’s if that’s something. Then I feel like it makes more sense to bring flowers, but flowers on a first date can ruin the impression depending on the girl or it can make the impression.

So if she’s younger and doesn’t have a lot of experience with a guy buying her flowers, in my experience the longer I was with someone the more fabulous the flowers were, the more grand the bouquet. Sometimes I would get multiples of them. That showed me a lot also the power of a good bouquet. A lot of people might disagree with me but it’s the truth. You’re going to bump into a lot of girls who are particular.

The Unconditional Gentleman

On maintaining gentlemanly behaviour regardless of circumstances

“I believe you should be a gentleman at all times. Not one condition or situation should be able to take you off being a gentleman or not. See, fellas, and there’s a way to do this. You should be a gentleman regardless of how you’re treated, regardless of who you’re around, regardless if they’re old or young, regardless of how they talk to you. You should deal with yourself and carry yourself with class out here. Be respectable because you shouldn’t let any woman or any person or anything take you off of that game here. That’s how you hold your frame.”

This is a great video and I feel like this should have been the first to set the precedent for the prevailing sentiment that I want to state. Being a gentleman is not something that you can switch on and off. This is actually something that I pointed out to someone as I said, “No, I will stop being a gentleman for this person because they’re being so rude.” The gentlemanly thing to do is to keep calm and carry on. That is the entire essence of being a gentleman.

What he’s saying is true. The same goes for ladies. Ladies, you are never to change, to become something that you are not because someone’s putting you in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. You still remain gracious and kind. Take the high road. 

I know it’s not easy. I will be the first to tell you I have—if you keep coming across this scenario where you’re around people who aren’t putting you in a soft feminine place, letting you just be yourself naturally and you’re on edge in your masculine—same with gentlemen. If you find a woman who’s constantly challenging you for all the wrong reasons—for example, there are things that are fixable. One never complains, criticises, or corrects.

He is presenting it in a way that’s not threatening or super alpha male cocky. He is telling the truth about how you’ll be treated in this world when you act a certain way. When you are constantly above, people will actually respect you more because of the boundaries, the lines that you do not cross as a person and they will expect more of it from you. Even when everyone else is wrong, they still expect you to be right.

Tthere is something that adds to your character when you push yourself and you keep this as your natural state of mind. It’s not easy to do. There are times where someone will spit in your face and you don’t have to react. You don’t have to punch them. You can just call the police and they’re in trouble. Separate yourself from the situation and look for new friends. Look for people to surround you that do not put you in this constant challenging mode.

Contention should be healthy and not be pushed in an aggressive manner, but in a way that can speak your language. And something that ladies and gentlemen understand is how to speak every single person’s language by reading the room. If I meet a bunch of people into tech, I will talk to them in a way that is relatable, which is why I make myself well-rounded in every subject as much as possible. Be open-minded or ask them about references, not necessarily that I should know everything.

The whole etiquette of walking through a room first is a really good point. There is a very specific time and place to do this. Typically, it’s with restaurants and events or beautiful hotels, any indoor place you have been to before and you know the coast is clear, everything is safe, it’s a secure spot, then you don’t have to worry about the area.

Typically, when a man is outside walking, you are safe on the pavement, he will stand between you and the road. Nice places in Los Angeles and New York have crime. If there’s a person who looks like they’re not stable and you walk by them, the man will walk in between you and then go back to walking out on the road side if that’s the situation. He is 100% correct in this. That’s really gallant.

Even when I’m with my friends, I’m very small. And this is something that I have noticed my male friends do. For just platonic friends and they have a wife or a fiancée, they are still going to make sure all of the women there are protected and he’ll be kind of like our security guard. You want to get to know them. So, you want to see them in that space and be themselves and shine, glow how they are.

These are all particularly within dating for marriage. Keep this in the back of your mind. If you want more content like this, subscribe, click the bell, tell all your friends, watch this several thousand times. If you want more etiquette and a deeper dive into how to treat people well, strengthen your relationships personal to yourself with self-respect and professional, visit dixonedetiquette.com. It’s my etiquette course and I am in the midst of giving it a facelift right now. So, get it with the dirt cheap price that it has. Get that locked in and you’ll have access to the new and improved version as we’re working on it.

This post was sponsored by Dixon Etiquette. For more etiquette guides learn more here.