How to be absolutely useless to men: Stop over-giving 

Hello, Gorgeous!

Decentralising men is one of my favourite things to do. 

As a hobby collector, girl’s girl, and someone who is always on some sort of mission, I have found ways to make sure men do not need me. Saying no and finding excuses to leave the conversation with a male interlocutor is one of my pastimes. 

Some ladies walk away. I find snappy quips to make them realise their efforts are worthless so they should stop trying.

You owe men nothing.

If you are not in a relationship, you owe men nothing. If you are in a relationship, you owe that man nothing. If you are at a point in a relationship where someone says, I did this and this for you! – leave. 

You both give in a relationship. But when someone counts all the small tasks you appreciated in the first place, bringing it up only makes their circumstances worse and turns you off. Gross. 

You already said thank you and gave recognition. What more does he want? A medal? Get over yourself and have some stiff upper lip. Read some Aurelius.

Men love to be needed. Women yearn to be wanted. 

We are objects of desire who receive. Ladies offer the intangibles. Men offer the tangibles.

You’re telling me he wants you to work a 9 to 5 whilst raising children, keeping the home clean, and organising his appointments? And he only works a 9 to 5 as a ‘provider’? That is what we call a gold-digger. Makes no sense. He should try walking in these heels for a day. 

Why ladies should be useless to men

Once, I was dating a boy (my last ex) who said, ‘Doing the dishes is womens things [sic]!’ 

Then, I asked him to help me build something requiring hardware and a drill aka ‘men’s things’. He said, ‘I have no idea. That’s my f*cking nightmare haha.’

What exactly do you know how to do? Are you lazy or incapable? Either way I would find a reason to say, ‘That’s worse.’

Why should I be doing the work of both the man and woman in this scenario when he could simply hire someone to do both jobs mentioned? I already hire people myself. Why can’t he? Oh wait, he could not afford it.

Him paying the mortgage, utilities, car, and all the bills is simply something he should be doing as a grown adult. 

Him paying for his bills does not mean he is a provider. 

Being a provider means he takes care of your responsibilities, because he takes pleasure in seeing you relax. Especially, because you have endless unpaid work as a woman in the first place. 

Unpaid work refers to labour that is essential for society and households but is not formally paid. 

Women disproportionately do a large share of this work globally. It generally falls into a few key categories:

1. Domestic work (household labour)

• Cooking and meal preparation
• Cleaning and laundry
• Grocery shopping and household maintenance
• Managing household schedules and errands

2. Caregiving work

• Caring for children (feeding, bathing, schooling support)
• Caring for elderly family members
• Supporting sick or disabled relatives
• Coordinating medical appointments and care needs

3. Emotional labour

• Managing family relationships and conflicts
• Providing emotional support to partners, children, and relatives
• Remembering important dates, needs, and responsibilities for others
• Acting as the “default organiser” or caretaker of emotional wellbeing in a household

4. Community and social reproductive work

• Volunteering in schools, religious groups, or community organisations
• Helping neighbors or extended family with childcare or errands
• Organising events (family gatherings, school activities, etc.)

5. Mental load / planning work

• Planning meals, budgets, and household logistics
• Keeping track of supplies and responsibilities
• Anticipating needs before they become urgent

This type of labour is often called “invisible work” or “unpaid care work,” and it plays a major role in keeping households and economies functioning, even though it usually isn’t financially compensated.

In other words, women are the glue of society. This is why when a man is homeless, he failed himself. When a woman is homeless, society failed her. 

The extras he pays for benefit both of you–not only him. 

When he pays at the restaurant both of you benefit, because you both eat. When he pays for your nails, beautiful candles, a fabulous experience–both of you benefit, because you both see and smell the items and have moments together. 

He enjoys seeing you delight in the things that make both of you happy. It is similar to men making you come to culmination in bed that makes him excited. It makes him happy to see you over the moon. You both benefit. 

He should never be living off you or asking for anything tangible. 

He will not let you 

• waste gas driving for him
• park far away when you’re in heels and gets you a valet
• lift your shopping bags he purchased. (I am referring to a very specific culture of 1.4 billion people with this one that makes me smile.)

These are small, simple examples. Either your grandmother or mother told you this. Or even your father. All of the above did for me. Yet they also told me to be independent. 

You might think I’m materialistic or superficial. 

It is not materialistic or superficial for your future children to go to an exceptional school. Or to have the opportunity to see the world and become well rounded. Or for you to have health insurance in case you get terribly ill. Or for your loved ones to eat well.

I have been a rich woman and a poor woman. I choose rich every time. So will he if he is of sane mind. Your currency lies within the intangible.

In divorces where the men make an inordinate amount of money, women who do not have a 9 to 5 earn alimony because of all the intangible support she provides.

This is only what a small dose of reality that women contribute:

1. Non-monetary contributions (limited but real)

Most U.S. states recognise that a spouse contributes value through:

• Childcare
• Homemaking
• Managing household operations
• Supporting the other spouse’s career mobility

This is not “emotional value” in court—it’s treated as economic substitution value (i.e., what it would cost to hire someone to do it).

2. Standard of living during marriage

Courts often consider:

• Lifestyle established during marriage
• Housing, travel, consumption patterns

This becomes especially important in alimony/spousal support calculations.

3. Opportunity cost (indirectly)

If one spouse:

• gave up career advancement
• relocated for the other’s job
• paused education or earning years

Courts may factor this into:

• alimony duration
• unequal asset division (in some states)
• rehabilitative support

4. Duration of marriage

Longer marriages = more recognition of shared life-building.

In long-term marriages, courts are more likely to:

• award long-term or permanent support
• treat assets as deeply interwoven

5. Contributions to “marital partnership”

This is the closest legal concept to “intangibles,” but it’s still grounded in economics:

• Supporting business growth indirectly
• Hosting networking/social obligations that benefited a spouse’s career
• Maintaining household stability that enabled wealth accumulation

Why wealthy divorces still feel like intangibles matter

In high-net-worth cases, courts are really dealing with:

• asset growth during marriage
• business valuation increases
• lifestyle expectations
• long-term economic dependency patterns

A woman should have her own projects going on. 

Whether they are a mix of a 9 to 5 and side gig. Or passion project that happens to pay along with a growing business he helps support you with. There are many ways to go about being independent as a woman.

I am a firm believer in hobbies that pay or turning your passion profitable.

It does not necessarily mean you are a bossbabe now. It simply means you have your hands and mind full with opportunities, because you have the ability with reinforcements. 

If we are not on red carpets with ambitions of needing to be on a different side of the globe a few times a week, we are all ordinary. 

The average man can sustain our ordinary lives at $75,000 annually. There have been studies on this as the average homeschooling household lives off this amount fruitfully in the 2020s. 

Not to mention once you have 2 children in the United States, you actually lose money if you are both working whilst paying for childcare. That is a** backwards.

Stay in your tax bracket.

Some men can afford a Toyota with no skin off their nose. Some men can afford a Ferrari with no skin off their nose. It is simply a matter of understanding what their budget is and how they can make a woman feel comfortable in their tax bracket.

Shopping within your budget is key. 

Three random strangers who did not know each other at separate times have told me I am an Aston Martin DB5. Or ‘You’re the type of woman I take to omakase versus tacos.’ I do not think I am that expensive, but appear as such at first glance. 

Though I get this a lot, I realise what I was is simple: the things I can already provide for myself. 

I have never been into tacos. My parents were keen to not let me eat greasy fast food you can eat with your hands, though I do love a saucy burrito every 15 years. They’re great when you want to clog your arteries. 

Greasy food is simply not my style especially since I cook 5 star meals almost everyday for myself and loved ones. Why should I not keep that standard of mine and lower myself, because someone else in my life can’t? Makes no sense.

When a lesser man asks for help–play dumb. 

You don’t know how to code.

You don’t know how to fix a toilet.

You don’t know how to drive to the nearest wherever. Where even is that?

According to men, I only know how to pick up children from school, be stuck in the kitchen, and have a fragile constitution towards overwhelming tasks as meetings. I almost broke a nail typing this. 

Don’t be dumb. Simply don’t say anything and act dumb. He will realise he is in over his head asking you to do hard work and will keep you living like a princess. A real man will never ask your for tangible help.

Yes, you are educated. But you can’t help him, because 

It’s been so long since you were in med school. You only remember how to put an outfit together, because you have been a fashion blogger for so long. That is what pays your bills. 

Tell him to ChatGPT it, because you can’t hear him over the blowdryer when you are at your hair appointment. He should never be asking you to lift a finger. 

You are only worried about how to make him happy. He should already be doing that on his own. You are supplementary and add to his life. Not run it for him.

If this made you smile, gasp, or rethink everything you’ve been told about relationships… good.

Because at TheItGirlSchool.com, we don’t teach women how to overextend—we teach them how to elevate.

This is where you learn how to protect your energy, move with intention, embody standards, and build a life where you are the prize—not the provider, not the fixer, not the emotional support system for someone who cannot match your level.

We believe in soft power. High standards. Feminine strategy. And a life that feels effortless because you stopped carrying what was never yours.

If you’re done over-giving, over-explaining, and over-functioning…

Join us inside The It Girl School and learn how to become the woman who is chosen, cherished, and never depleted.