How to keep your standards and see if he rises to them

Hello, Gorgeous!

I kept my standards this time…and it worked. This changed my life. 

I recently started dating someone new with meaningful intentions and am happy to share that each day grows better than the last. 

Despite our time together being brief–thus far–the care and effort he consistently invests have already revealed the remarkable partner he is. 

Here is how to 

• maintain your high standards whilst dating
• avoid being breadcrumbed
• and remain grounded in your self-worth without negotiation. 

with examples, of course. 

No more playing Limbo

During my last long term relationship, I let my standards drop with a prolonged match of limbo. It happens minute by minute without you noticing until you reflect later down the line. 

How low did I go? So low I never want to think of that experience again. Blocked. On my phone and in my mind. 

Rewiring my brain through first dates and testing waters with what people would put up with by asking critical questions up front drastically helped.

In other words, I showed my crazy up front until I met someone crazier than me. In a pleasant way. He was not afraid to answer questions with his whole chest and laugh along with me. 

Fun fact I learnt on dating: I am cynical as a joke. Ironically, it fishes out the true cynicism from others. How they react will either profoundly lift you up or bring you down.

Never too serious and a pure heart, I finally met my match riding my identical wavelength. 

When I am single, I truly am choosing to be single. 

I do not stay single for long. 

This is not to say that I jump from relationship to relationship, but I do get asked out quite a bit. Whether in a relationship or not. I like to see what is out there when the odds appear good. The goods are usually odd. Or move too fast. 

Not my style these days. 

Letting people sweet talk me the first time I meet them organically as I go out is one thing, but first dates are a straight few hours of judging each other. I like to avoid this! 

Feeling tension on a regular basis is not my thing, so I am not a serial dater. 

Singlehood directly shapes your personality.

Being single for a year, I am enjoying the lack of stress, integrating another’s schedule, and being able to focus on goals that build me. 

I was stuck in an abusive relationship that took me a few months to get my ducks in a row and move out by myself. Being single made me feel sane again that my standards are not crazy.

This is where I find my standards in the first place by realising where I am in life and what I actually want from it. 

What you do on your own is a reminder of who you are. 

Your 

• Habits
• Routines
• People you spend time with
• Adventures you try 
• Your aspirations

all formulate your wants and don’t wants. This will tell you what you are willing to put up with and how you prefer to be challenged. Once you find yourself setting in stone your commandments, you will never look back. 

These can be flexible or become non-negotiables. 

When your standards are high, others with low standards want to bring you to their level.

From my experience, my relationships seem to only have 2 defaults:

1. Absolutely flourishing with mutual elevation 
2. Men who have hell-high standards that realise they cannot step up for me

Instead of wanting to learn how to be better, people’s egos get in the way and their entitlement festers with feeling ownership of your entire existence. 

You are isolated in their captivity. 

They reject the idea of the man they have to become to be with you, so they make you live in an apartment infested with roaches, never take you on dates because you only like nice places they cannot afford or are afraid to frequent, and fear meeting your friends and family. 

Interesting Study: Low self-esteem and insecurity are associated with higher risk of perpetrating intimate partner violence (IPV).

“Insecurity alone does not predict abuse, but insecurity combined with entitlement, jealousy, and a desire for control can increase the risk of abusive behaviour.” 

My non-negotiables

These are principles I hold firmly and close to my heart to use a filter for the right people in my life. Not solely for a sweetheart. In other words, an unwritten language that does not necessarily have to be discussed but will be appreciated when they arise. 

Shared values

Interests alter over time. Values are in your DNA. 

Example: Growing up, I knew a lot of girls who had a crush on boys solely for their taste in music. 

I have the weirdest taste in music, because I grew up listening to many international artists who never sang in English. It would be really difficult for me to find someone this way.

If someone already has a great deal of respect for everyone around them as you do, they will recognise this right away and understand you deeply without having to explain. 

Understanding with respect

Our cultures may be different, but we appreciate these incidental engrained traditions of each other. We may be raised distinctly with various flavours of food and customs yet embrace this with our whole hearts. These are parts of the person we value. 

Speaking kindly

If you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone or at least a significant period with them, you are going to want to keep each other around. 

At times we may actualise comfort and speaking freely, but the ones close to you are special people we should be even more benevolent to as they have to put up with us.

Family oriented

If you are hoping to have a family, this would be ideal. As I date for marriage, someone who is there for their own people is a green flag you can count on. In future, you might have to count on them and vise versa. 

Similar goals with flexible timelines

Whether you have monetary milestones or familial duties to eventually tend to, you are aligned in the grand scheme of things. 

Self awareness 

If you look stupid, it is on purpose and you are okay with it. Sometimes you are happy to laugh at yourself and are proficient in incessantly humbling growth.  

Finding solutions over fighting

This should not be necessary, but I have encountered a sundry of arguing styles that do not suit me. 

Getting from point A to point B as fast as possible with minimal damage causes the least stress and makes things smoother and faster to be on the same page. 

In essence, I do not want to take a few days of feeling bad where I have to lift you up to come back to where you regularly idle. Grow up. Nobody has time for this. Pick yourself up. You did not die. 

‘I only date tall guys.’

Get over yourself. 

You are 5’2” and everyone else towers over you. There are also a lot of perfect gentlemen who prefer taller women. He will go great lengths to open your doors, make sure you dress up, and buy you anything your future children want. But it’s a no for you? 

When out with some girlfriends, I asked around what their ideal type is. A majority of some new girls we bumped into mentioned the young 20 year old answer: 

‘Tall.’

Not characteristics of the mind and how they are treated but an endless listicle of physical characteristics. Yes, be attracted to him, but a lot of the time looks fade and/or injuries occur. Chas ve-chalila! (God forbid.) Height is an extra benefit if it is what you prefer.

He could be a total a**hole who ruins your Summer or ruins your life. But he was tall, right? 

Everything else is negotiable. Do not stress for free. 

These are merely my models for a successful relationship. Yours may appear as other unique illustrations. 

However, I used to have an almost finite strict set of guidelines on miniscule traits that could be modified with a few simple tweaks over time. It is not the end of the world. These are plainly bonuses. 

Know how to dress

AKA dressing appropriately for the occasion. This can be learnt over time and small upgrades here and there will gradually cultivate an entire wardrobe of both your tastes. People are not dress-up dolls. Tailoring can also modulate what they already own. This can be taught.

Eat exactly what I eat and love it the same

When I look back at how marvellously stupid this is, I want to share weird food and new experiences with someone. Now, I am sincerely enjoying how much of an intelligent cook this man is and his culture. As a matter of fact, this new perspective has upgraded my tastes. 

He always mixes it up with new cuisine I have not tried versus cooking the same dishes repeatedly. We like to explore this together. Thank goodness!

Impeccable sense of propriety

He does not have to have perfect manners with his fork tines down but a general respect for everyone making others comfortable. Above all else, everything else intrinsically follows if he does. 

Being raised well is not enough because a lot of people never actually retain the information, use it sparingly to save face, and are inconsistent at home. It is a form of dishonesty with oneself. Consistency is the ultimate indication. 

Expensive restaurants 

I go all the time with friends and really need a break from this. (So does my bank account.) Laughing as I say this out loud, I have realised how I love holes in the wall that have exceptional tastes and are more relaxed. 

Fine dining may be my default, yet I still find myself ordering a burger at the Waldorf Astoria. The only difference is I am dressed to the nines. I use my knife and fork wherever I go. You can take the girl out from finishing school, but dare not pry the utensils from her fingers. 

Flowery words

This was overlooked as I have endured many love bombers. Or those who have dreams without deadlines. 

At times, it is not necessarily ‘love bombing’ but simply a different culture where all initial feelings are spoken aloud. This is more of a Western concept. 

Action is insane with this new man who is impressing me. He is not going through the notions writing down a list of things I like and feigning reactions with the pretense of capturing me in the first 2 weeks.

Their way of life is showing you they care without being William Shakespeare. Though I never really feel I have to choose with him. 

Being single on your own and enjoying time with yourself refines how outstanding you are. 

However good humans lift each other up and are not meant to be alone. 

As women, we are pillars of society who raise the young even when we are old and cannot bear children anymore–even technological advancement is changing this. 

We are social creatures who can create a person physically and build or diminish any identity by elevating their status simply by being next to us. Personally, I find that men benefit from this greatly and enjoy this on top of it. 

Be ready to walk away, but give things a chance.

You do not have one foot out the door when you find something with someone who has a lasting purpose. Dating is simply getting to know someone. Although you are exploring possibilities and gauging potential, everything is a negotiation for some sort of compromise.

Integrating another’s life side by side is another whole effort to master with a 110% endeavour. 

Take your time at little doses and stand your ground. Come to terms with your position and present them clearly without any holes. Speak specifically to prevent misunderstandings and brief with reasoning to gain his point of view. 

If you disagree, consider how this person already adds to your life. You are two full grown adults who only have much to offer. Nothing less. The moment you fight for each other, conceding willingness to grow together, it is worth a chance. 

Time helps you see the action come to fruition versus the words on a limiting first few dates and impressions. 

He convinced me with action to give him a chance.

I do not want to disappoint you with the fact that I have found someone. [Insert cheeky smile here.] 

Putting my foot down on one particular moment of significance proved him rising to the occasion. On his own volition. Without my massaging inception. This has never happened before. 

Never have I ever met an individual willing to be up for such a challenge. It was not a sacrifice or a challenge to him, because he genuinely enjoys sticking around for some unwarranted reason. I have grown suspicious at the fact that I seldom have to force him to do things I want.

What do I do with my hands? *holds two coffee mugs*  

In a world of fabricated performance, authentic action is how gentlemen move. 

If he treats you well, you can take on the world together. 

A coworker of the new man I have been seeing mentioned how he seems a lot happier the last few days. I also have had a spring in my step feeling a little bit more whole. This is a feeling I have not felt in a long time. 

It has helped me become more creative and find myself again. He asks my queries reminding me of my dream life boosting my self worth. You acknowledge everything you have built when others ask where you are at this stage of life. 

Your perspective becomes renewed and you are elevated into a new chapter of life. This time with someone else. 

High standards are not a barrier to love. They are the foundation for it.

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